Beware the American Idols of March

The Ides of March really do scare me a bit. I don't even know what the hell they are, but the whole "beeeware!" bit is so ominous.

(Is the world cool enough yet that I can wear black and brown together? I'm not doing it today or anything, I just want to know. I digress.)

Really I want to talk to you about March. March is a great month because of three things: College Basketball, St. Patrick's Day, and the whole 'thawing hearts and new beginnings made manifest in the cyclical return of Spring' thing. (No, really.) This year we also have American Idol.

(Now, honestly, these are the best amateur singers in America? I've heard better at karaoke Thursdays! Except Melinda Doolittle. I love her. I digress again.)

March is also all crisp mornings and almost-warm days and daffodils... Sadly, my crisp mornings are spent hitting the snooze button, my almost-warm days are wasted staring at this damn computer, and my daffodils bloomed too early and are all dead-like and decidedly un-Marchy now. Oh, crap, now I've lost the mood.

Besides, what does "in like a lion, out like a lamb" mean? I'm not sure, but I think I've got an ex-boyfriend who fits that bill...

Hahaha, oh, man, haha.

Woden's Day

Ah, Wednesday, my favorite day of the week... Though at times you taunt me with your equidistance from the weekend, I am more often charmed by your middle-child essence and unassuming hump-like quality. Your crushed consonants delight me, and you remind me to remember your namesake, Woden, the Germanic god of... well, no one seems quite sure, but I'll bet he wasn't all bravado and machismo like that nutjob Thor. (You heard me, Thursday, you wanna make something of it??) Lovely Wednesday, you are the Honey Nut Cheerios of days. You... complete me.

Later, I plan to eat a wedge of Fromage d'Affinois priced between $3.45 and $4.02. That's neither here nor there, but I thought you'd want to know.

Gum Would Be Perfection.

The loyal among you will recall the order of perfect foods, but to refresh your memories, here it is again:

1. Cheese
2. Peanut Butter
3. Cheese-on-pasta

I ponder this list daily, as you might imagine, since it's of paramount importance to me and the world at large. So, in the interest of spreading knowledge, wisdom, and warm brie, I offer the following expanded Baker's Dozen Order Of Perfect Foods List:

1. Cheese
2. Peanut Butter
3. Cheese-on-pasta
3a. Cheese-on-bread
3b. Käsespätzle
3c. Cheese Grits (sub-categories are vital to this list.)
4. Egg-and-cheese product on bread
4a. Specifically the Egg McMuffin sans Canadian Bacon
4b. Also specifically an Egg-and-cheese Sandwich Made with Deli-sliced White American and Nature's Own White-wheat Bread in My Totally Awesome SuperSnacker (BAM!)
5. Guacamole
6. Cadbury Mini Eggs (available only at Eastertime - scarcity elevates their posish on the list.)
7. Cherry Ring Pops (perhaps not technically a food, but delicious nonetheless. definitely enjoy the wearability factor.)
8. Lydia's Chicken Pastries (this may have been a Pampered Chef recipe originally. here's what's involved: Pilsbury crescent rolls, shredded cheddar, chive cream cheese, bits of chicken. seriously, how can you go wrong??)
9. A Hot Doughnut Now from Krispy Kreme
10. Constance Burrito with Chicken from Cosmic Cantina
11. Randy's big flat pizza (similar to cheese-on-bread, but addition of tomato sauce creates uniqueness.)
12. Elmo's Tomato Basil Soup
13. Those tiny white powdered doughnuts (must be the Sweet 16 brand name.)

I assure you this educational blog posting will enhance your life in many significant ways. Thank you for your time.

"The Carbon Of My Loved One"

I was just sitting down to write a lovely little blog listing my weaknesses (like those little white powdery donuts, though I'm not sure yet exactly where they rank)...

And then some of the guys came by my desk and urged me to go to www.lifegem.com.

Holy Motherfucking Shit.

LifeGem is a company entirely devoted to cremating your loved one (be they human or otherwise) and compressing the ashes into a created diamond - no, really! - which you can then wear in a setting of your choice to always remind you of the love you shared.

I crap you not. I could go on at length because this really may be the funniest thing in the entire world ever (hyperbole aside), but even in my infinite funnydom I could never match the actual verbage on the website. Pay particular attention to the testimonials and the section titled "LifeGem for Pets"!

In closing, I want you all to know that only the most special of you will be blinging from my hand after you croak; this Morbid Moissanite starts at $2,699 for a paltry .2 carat.

Valse de la Lune

This is what I saw on my my merry way to Yahoo! mail the other day:

Bad news for the moon: It will eventually crumble to bits.

Um... pardon me, sirs, but isn't that unreasonably gauche? Surely the moon has internet access in this day and age, so I don't think it's very gentlemanly to be posting news of its demise-by-crumblation all over the web! God. HONestly.

Now, I didn't actually read the accompanying article (too much effort), but I'm guessing this terrible prophecy won't actually come to pass for several thousands of years. Still, let the poor moon live out its final millenia without the doom-and-gloom of the dusty future lingering over its cratery head.

God. So rude.

Teaser Salad

"One film that's both dark and high concept is Mitchell Lichtenstein's "Teeth." It centers on a Christian high school girl who discovers, when her boyfriend gets too aggressive, that she is anatomically unique."

a) I need to see that.

b) I've spent the last five minutes thinking of all the possible ways to say "vagina teeth". Here's what I've come up with:

1. Vagina Dentata (Duh. Thanks, Freud.)
2. Giney Toofs
3. Bajingo Grill
4. Punaneeth
5. Dental Damn!
6. Crunchy Taco
7. Maneater (watch out, boy, she'll chew you up...)
8. [Insert obligatory Lorena Bobbit joke here]
9. Clam Chops (haha, that's my favorite!)

c) Hahaha! Haha. Oh, man, I'm worn out from laughing at myself now...

Ponce

Why aren't more people named "Ponce" these days?

That upsets me.