"The Carbon Of My Loved One"

I was just sitting down to write a lovely little blog listing my weaknesses (like those little white powdery donuts, though I'm not sure yet exactly where they rank)...

And then some of the guys came by my desk and urged me to go to www.lifegem.com.

Holy Motherfucking Shit.

LifeGem is a company entirely devoted to cremating your loved one (be they human or otherwise) and compressing the ashes into a created diamond - no, really! - which you can then wear in a setting of your choice to always remind you of the love you shared.

I crap you not. I could go on at length because this really may be the funniest thing in the entire world ever (hyperbole aside), but even in my infinite funnydom I could never match the actual verbage on the website. Pay particular attention to the testimonials and the section titled "LifeGem for Pets"!

In closing, I want you all to know that only the most special of you will be blinging from my hand after you croak; this Morbid Moissanite starts at $2,699 for a paltry .2 carat.

Valse de la Lune

This is what I saw on my my merry way to Yahoo! mail the other day:

Bad news for the moon: It will eventually crumble to bits.

Um... pardon me, sirs, but isn't that unreasonably gauche? Surely the moon has internet access in this day and age, so I don't think it's very gentlemanly to be posting news of its demise-by-crumblation all over the web! God. HONestly.

Now, I didn't actually read the accompanying article (too much effort), but I'm guessing this terrible prophecy won't actually come to pass for several thousands of years. Still, let the poor moon live out its final millenia without the doom-and-gloom of the dusty future lingering over its cratery head.

God. So rude.

Teaser Salad

"One film that's both dark and high concept is Mitchell Lichtenstein's "Teeth." It centers on a Christian high school girl who discovers, when her boyfriend gets too aggressive, that she is anatomically unique."

a) I need to see that.

b) I've spent the last five minutes thinking of all the possible ways to say "vagina teeth". Here's what I've come up with:

1. Vagina Dentata (Duh. Thanks, Freud.)
2. Giney Toofs
3. Bajingo Grill
4. Punaneeth
5. Dental Damn!
6. Crunchy Taco
7. Maneater (watch out, boy, she'll chew you up...)
8. [Insert obligatory Lorena Bobbit joke here]
9. Clam Chops (haha, that's my favorite!)

c) Hahaha! Haha. Oh, man, I'm worn out from laughing at myself now...

Ponce

Why aren't more people named "Ponce" these days?

That upsets me.

Yes, Yes, Happy Freaking New Year.

My resolution this year is simple: I'm not making any resolutions. So far, aside from resolving not to make any resolutions, I've totally stuck to my resolution.

(Aside: TiVo is watching "The Twilight Zone" as I type, and despite the obvious humor in the fact that tiny Michelin men are attacking a cliched country woman who apparently lives in a kitchen with an attic, I'm mildly terrified. Laura hates aliens.)

The thing about resolutions is, no one ever follows them. And when I say no one, I sort of mean no one, but I mostly mean me.

Now. If I WERE to make resolutions, they would go something like this:

1. Remind TiVo to watch less SciFi channel.
2. Eat less, drink more.
3. Exercise, like, all the time.
4. Sing karaoke whenever possible.
5. Fix life, find love, get raise, become perfectly happy.

You can see the obvious unachievability of most of those (possible exception: #5), and therefore understand my resolution to remain unresolved.

I think I'm going out for a drink.

([EDIT]: Turns out the little Michelin men were actually astronauts from EARTH, and the country woman was a crazy giant on some other planet! Damn you, "The Twilight Zone", and your crazy twists and turns...)