Used Picker - in need of extensive repairs

My picker is clearly broken.

I could write blog upon blog of "hilarious" stories about all the idiots and assholes I attract...

Like the one who knocked on my head McFly-style...

Or the one who explained, on the first date, how he was suing his ex-fiancee...

Or the one who told me I had DSL (that's Dick Sucking Lips for those of you who, like me, naively think of internet options)...

Or the prince charming who passed by me in a bar, took a big whiff, and said in a delightfully genuine Boomhauer voice, "My friend says you smell good." (I made out with him, of course.)...

Or the one I affectionately call The Jewelry Thief, who wooed me and then absconded with my diamond earrings for a month (a little SWF stalking on my part returned them safely to me)...

Or, one of my personal favorites, the guy who insisted on referring to one of his bodily fluids (cough) as "baby batter"...

And that's just the tip of the iceberg, my beautiful readers, I really could go on for hours. Something about my beautiful face and sweet nature inspires men to great heights of cancelling, dodging, flaking, dropping the ball, and sucking in general. I'm like Helen of Troy for losers - the face that launched a thousand dips.

So, please, someone buy my picker. Take it far away from me so I can get a new one that actually works. I know some of you women have good ones, and I'm on the brink of going all Robin Hood on your lucky asses.

Oodelally, bitches, oodelally.